NEW YORK, NEW YORK - APRIL 08: New York Yankees General Manager Brian Cashman speaks to the media prior to the start of the game against the Boston Red Sox at Yankee Stadium on April 08, 2022 in New York City. (Photo by Mike Stobe/Getty Images)

On Thursday evening, Yankees GM Brian Cashman told Astros owner Jim Crane to keep his team’s name out of his f****** mouth.

The normally reserved Cashman has clearly run out of any patience he once had for the folks in Houston, and has been more candid than ever this offseason about the sign-stealing scandal that helped cut the Yankees’ seasons short in 2017 and 2019 (sometimes to a very unnecessary extent).

Those ‘Stros seemed to think that the unsealing of the so-called “Yankee Letter” and the intense reputational harm it brought would even the playing field somewhat. When it was released and did … NOTHING at all, Houston popped the top off their heads anyway and let us into their melting brains.

Crane this week took aim at Cashman, insinuating those in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. The only problem was only Crane lives in a glass house, and Cashman seals himself in a reinforced steel bunker until the trade deadline.

Cashman spoke for the first time since Opening Day this week, remaining tight-lipped and refusing to gloat too early about his high-performing roster. He wouldn’t discuss Aaron Judge’s contract (good call, dude). But he would aim at Crane, whose brothers Frasier and Niles would be very ashamed of his dedication to being more evil than Maris.

To the elation of Yankee fans everywhere, Cash didn’t hold back about our Deflecting Texan King.

Brian Cashman on Jim Crane's recent comments: "I don't think anybody's gonna dance to the tune he's singing, to be quite honest…I'd say it's called deflection and him trying to equate probably an equivalent of a parking ticket to maybe 162 felonies."

— Erik Boland (@eboland11) May 12, 2022

The only guy dancing to Crane’s tune is the conductor who sleeps in the train parked atop the Astros’ short porch in left field.

Also, Cashman sold the Astros’ amount of felonies well short. Their top-tier scheme lasted through the 2017 postseason, and it’s recently been reported there was something going on in 2019, too.

Typically, managers don’t get 60-game vacations in exchange for 162+ felonies.

You’re not going to believe this, but Crane also believes Jose Altuve has been mistreated in the wake of the sign-stealing scandal:

“He was one of the few guys that didn’t want to deal with it,” Crane said. “He said, ‘I can just hit the ball, leave me alone.’

“It’s just not right the way they treat him. The tension in some of these places, they get out of whack pretty quick.”

Everyone note in your historical journals: this is the first time an opposing superstar has ever been hated by the fan bases he terrorizes. More on this on the 11 o’clock Snooze.

Crane’s right, though. The Altuve hatred has come completely out of thin air. His extremely normal behavior following his 2019 ALCS walk-off proves there was no chicanery to investigate.

Was he nervously keeping his jersey skin-tight during the best moment of his life one of the 324 (plus postseason) felonies? We’ll probably never know until Altuve’s getting booed off the Cooperstown stage. Regardless, it’s clear Crane didn’t get the vindication he wanted when the courts chose to release the Yankees’ letter and only the Yankees’ letter.

If Cashman has to say it again, he’ll say it again. Sometimes, it’d be nice if he didn’t keep harping on 2017, but a bangin’ rebuke was necessary in this case.

Comparing Yankees’ cheating to Red Sox and Astros is juvenile behavior

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